


Harry Potter and Dursley the Great Prune

by ElderflowerX



Series: Harry Potter Parodies [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28191342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElderflowerX/pseuds/ElderflowerX
Summary: “Ah, shut up Dursley, yeh great prune.”Vernon is verbally abused by everyone.
Series: Harry Potter Parodies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065263
Kudos: 3





	Harry Potter and Dursley the Great Prune

It was six o’ clock in the morning. Mrs Dursley got up, reached over to the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table, and smashed it. 

The noise of shattering glass and splintered wood jolted Mr Dursley from his rather fanciful dream of living in a rusty old tea kettle. He was just swimming in the warm water when the kettle smashed to the floor— or at least, that was what he thought. 

“Petunia! What the ruddy hell-“ he broke off when he saw Mrs Dursley’s face. 

“Get up, you great prune! Fat beefy sacks like you ought to get up early and lose some weight!” Mrs Dursley’s cutting remark hit Mr Dursley’s really-quite-squashy face like a rotten tomato. Without another word, she got up and left the room. 

——

After a very weird breakfast where Mrs Dursley constantly shouted at him for farting, Mr Dursley got up, farted (“YOU’LL STINK MY ICKLE PUDGY DIDDLY DUDDYKINS TO DEATH, IDIOT!”) and put on his boring brown coat. 

As he got into the car, he noticed a tabby cat sitting next to the wall. It looked at him, and suddenly, almost as if Mr Dursley had looked into his mind, he heard the voice of a stern-sounding woman say: “Go die in a hole, you great dull prune.” 

Mr Dursley felt that his personal safety was at risk. He yelped and slammed the door shut, driving his car straight into Number Eight’s garage (Mrs Boaring wasn’t pleased) and zooming down the road. 

——

[Ten years later] 

Aunt Petunia knocked politely on Harry’s cupboard door. “Get up, Harry, remember the date? It’s Ridicule-Vernon-Day. There’ll be many party guests, so mind you dress your best.” 

Harry cheered. 

——

Uncle Vernon was sitting on a toilet bowl-like chair before the table. Dudley was throwing squash at him, Aunt Petunia was frying his best tie and party streamers and balloons had been plastered to the wall. 

“Petunia! Where’s my-“ Uncle Vernon gasped at the sight of his tie on the frying pan, all burnt and crisp. Dudley aimed a spoonful of eggplant-and-spam at him and it all went flying into Uncle Vernon’s outstretched mouth. 

——

The result was astounding. Uncle Vernon didn’t spit it out, he looked as though his mouth no longer had to functions of a mouth. His eyes widened, his nostrils flared, but he just couldn’t open his mouth. 

——


End file.
